Cafe C'est la Vie
by Forever Yours Zana
Summary: Welcome to Café C'est la Vie, the best place in Konoha to get served by pretty boys, cute girls and eat delicious treats all in one sitting! Ch 3: Sasuke vs. Itachi in a Fanservice Competition. Crack
1. Cup 1: Café Akatsuki: Rivals All Around!

A/N: This was inspired by a picture on DeviantArt, entitled Konoha Café by hyatt-ayanami, which the uniforms described in this fic are based on. This has also been slightly inspired by the anime Ouran High School Host Club. There shall be a link placed up in Miss Zana's profile to check out the art.

Disclaimer: **This** **is pure crack and not meant to be taken seriously AT **_**ALL**_. We love everyone off of Naruto, no matter how much their character may be raped in this crack. Forever Yours Zana and Miss shy7cat don't own anything. 'Nuff said.

**Warnings**: Some spoilers for those who aren't up to date, Naruto anime/manga wise. Shonen-ai, het, yuri hints and more. Yays.

_Miss Zana and Miss Cat are proud to present,__** Café C'est la Vie**__. Because when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, of course! A joined work in progress. _

_PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! _

**Café C'est la Vie**

**Cup 1: Café Akatsuki: Rivals All Around!**

"_Ohayoooo!_ I'm here, now the real fun can start, _**believe**__**it**_!"

Heavy footsteps.Short puffs of breath escaped from a pair of dried lips; a wet pink tongue darted out to fix the problem. Only a glimpse of shockingly yellow hair and true blue eyes could be seen as door closed behind the dashing handsomely-dressed teenager. A rather brightly decorated sign swung back and forth upon the door. It was a sign that could easily make even the busiest of people stop to read and see what this quaint little café, located in the heart of the bustling city Konoha, had to offer.

_**Café C'est la Vie, the best place in Konoha to get cute girls, pretty boys, and delicious treats all in one sitting! Coffee, flirting, and more awaits you in our lovely, home-like atmosphere! Come and grab a bite and a drink right now because we are…**_

**OPENED!**

A young man studied the sign carefully, "So this is where he works…"

He then opened the door and walked in. The young man immediately felt a kind of gratifying peace upon entry. The café was divided into two sections; one section consisted of tables and chairs that were lined up against the glass windows of the café, giving any customer a perfect view of the activity that went on outside. The second section of the café did not have chairs, but

rather couches, circled around a single television that broadcasted the shows that were the most popular at the moment.

All different kinds of sweets were on display up front at the cash register, as well. Coffee's pleasant scent wafted through the air. Girls walked around in French maid uniforms with big red bows tied around the middle; guys served people in crisp white shirts, black vests, matching black pants, and red ties. One male, however, stood out from all the rest.

_Uzumaki…now I'll be able to stalk…er…watch you up close…_

**XXX**

Uzumaki Naruto's eyes narrowed as he eyed his unsuspecting prey.He raised a hand high into the air before bringing it down full force on the back of a man's white, spiky hair. The blond waiter smirked. The older gentleman glared.

"What'd ya hit me for?!You good for nothing brat, I ought to sue your ungrateful ass for abuse! Where is your boss? I demand to speak with him, _**NOW**_!"

"The guy that owns this café probably won't be here until the afternoon, Jiraiya-sensei, but you can always talk to his second in command, I suppose…"

"YOU BRAT! You're lucky that school's out and I can't _suspend_ your ass! Why I OUGHTA—"

A tall and slim waiter walked past Naruto, his arm brushing ever so slightly against the tanned high school graduate. He held an order of coffee upon a silver plate. The pale, dark haired waiter was just dripping with sex appeal as well as the type of pretentious coolness those of his kind were born with.

"Hey dobe, what has Kakashi told you about harassing the customers? Please forgive him for whatever trouble he's caused you, sir. For you see, Naruto is mentally retarded and_ blond_…it makes for a terrible…"

Naruto turned around and pointed at accusing finger at his work mate, Uchiha Sasuke, "First off, I'm NOT stupid, so stop calling me stupid! Second off, teme, the old man doesn't come here for the food! He never orders a damn thing! He comes here to try and look up the girl's skirts! Plus, he's plotting to take away Hinata-chan's _virginity_!!!"

Said girl blinked as a blush rose in her cheeks. The shock of her long time crush yelling her name and referring to her virginity in the same sentence caused her heart to skip several beats. She began to feel light-headed; her knees wobbled and she promptly fainted, spilling the cups of tea she held on her tray all over the previously spotless floor.

"Girl down," Nara Shikamaru grumbled, heading to the back to retrieve a mop.

Meanwhile, Inuzuka Kiba lifted the girl and placed her into a chair; he started to fan her face. Hyuuga Hinata's cousin Neji shoved Kiba out of the way and stated that he could handle this. Kiba told Neji that he should just go back to dealing with the cash register. They both began to argue. Nobody was really too concerned with the fact that Hinata had fainted because Hinata often fainted several times during the day. The doctors couldn't figure out why.

Sasuke stared at the older man. Jiraiya shivered at the noticeable, murderous aura the Uchiha was giving off. Along with the steely gaze of his dark eyes, it made for an intimidating combination.

Sasuke spoke calmly, "Sir, if you aren't going to order, I'd appreciate it if you'd _leave_." The older man grumbled, "Fine, fine, I'll have a cup of coffee, no sugar or cream."

A dark eyebrow raised and all the girls within the store swooned, "_Just_ a coffee? Sir, I believe you appear to be _hungry_. Might I suggest our breakfast special? With a glass of orange juice and a bagel or two?" Sasuke's blank stare implied that his "suggestions" were more along the lines of commands. The lethal aura surrounding Sasuke increased. This kid was seriously scaring the hell out of Jiraiya, not that he would ever admit it. He was a full grown _adult_ for goodness sakes!

The older man grumbled again, "Fine, fine, I'll take whatever you got, you brat." The Uchiha smirked, "Your order will be coming right up, sir. Have a nice rest of the day." He then walked off to serve the order of coffee he held to his customer.

"Tch, nice day indeed," Jiraiya murmured.

This was why Hatake Kakashi considered himself very lucky when he hired the Uchiha to join his staff and why he had made him second in command; Sasuke was drop dead gorgeous and _very _persuasive when needed. He was also responsible and did well in keeping his bunch of "adorable employees" whole.

Jiraiya leaned back in his chair and looked around, his gaze settling on the behind of the pink haired waitress that had just walked past. If only her blue and white French maid uniform rode up just a bit higher…

"Now _that's_ a fine piece of woman! Look at those legs; it makes me want to…"

Jiraiya never did get to finish his sentence, as Naruto pulled out a baseball bat that read "The Anti-Hentai Bat of Justice," in kanji.

"_Anti-Pervert Style: Full Force Baseball_ _Knockout Jutsu_!" He swung the bat with all of his might, knocking Jiraiya right out the window he sat near. Naruto smirked in triumph, "I protected Sakura-chan's purity from that perv's wandering eyes; it's a DOUBLE HOMERUN!" Glass shattered like clear, sharp particles of ice all over the café's floor.

"What the HELL Naruto?! Didn't Kakashi-sensei tell you to NOT use that attack indoors?" Kiba growled, shielding himself (and the unconscious Hinata) from the flying pieces of glass. Haruno Sakura and Yamanaka Ino hid underneath the safest table, both cursing rather loudly.

"I'm capable of protecting my own virginity Naruto, you idiot!" the bubble gum haired waitress shrieked. "Ursuratonkchi," Sasuke stated blandly. The Uchiha was used to situations such as this and saw no point in getting upset anymore, as did Neji (who shoved Kiba away from Hinata when he started getting too close.)

Sai smiled as he watched all of their customers in the café dash out at top speed. He picked up a cup of untouched tea and took a long sip before saying, "Kakashi-sanis going to take the damages out of your paycheck, Dickless Wonder."

Shikamaru walked out with a mop, saw he glass and baseball bat in Naruto's hand, and rubbed his forehead in aggravation, "Naruto you're so troublesome…"

Naruto ignored all of these comments and instead stared at the pretty pieces of broken glass, "_Oooh_, they shine in the sunlight! How awesome is that? Oi! Look you guys, there's a plane in the sky; I wonder if it can hear me. HEY PLANE…!"

"…And so very ADHD," Shikamaru concluded.

_Is this a typical morning in their café? How dysfunctional. They all seem very close, however. Yes, this is the only way to make Uzumaki acknowledge me…by getting a job here for the summer._

Thought the only customer left in the café, a handsome, red-haired young man. Nobody had noticed him, yet.

**XXX**

By noon things had settled back into their usual swing. Sure, there was a window missing on one side of the café, but that would fixed by the end of the day. Hatake Kakashi had arrived, saw the damage, and told Naruto that he was taking the money out of his paycheck, just as Sai had predicted. Hinata had woken up from fainting and Shikamaru was outside, watching the clouds instead of serving people.

"It is your destiny to order our lunchtime special," Neji told a female customer gravely. The female customer was lost in the depths of the Hyuuga's stunning pale eyes and nodded, "Yes, it is my destiny, just as long as you serve it to me, cutie pie." She winked at him and blushed.

Neji nodded politely as he wrote her order down, "Your order is destined to arrive right away m'am." The young woman giggled, "So. Are you single…? Because I _am_ and…"

"**NEJI!** NEJI, NEJI, NEJI, WE NEED TO TALK…!" Naruto pulled on the brunet waiter's hand and dragged him away from his customer into a corner of the café. The Hyuuga closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "What is it Naruto?" Inwardly, Neji was glad to get away from that lady's advances; he had no interest in her.

"I think that guy with the raccoon eyes is planning to rape me as soon as I'm alone. Normally I'd get Sasuke-teme to tell him to piss off, but he's at his college class right now."

Neji glanced at the solitary red head whose aquamarine eyes stared intensely at Naruto. The brunet sighed. "Why don't you talk to him and see what he wants?" The blond stomped his foot, "Because he wants to RAPE me, what part of that don't you UNDERSTAND?"

"Sai and Sasuke also want to rape you, but you don't complain about that," Neji pointed out. Naruto crossed his arms, "That's totally different, you know that." Naruto's relationship between the two raven-haired boys was a complex one, but that is a different story being saved for a rainy day.

"Look Naruto, I have customers to take care of. Please do not disturb me for such silly things; I'm not having money be pulled from my check as well." The Hyuuga turned around and went back to the lady he was gradually scamming money out of with his looks. Naruto ran his fingers through his untamed locks before walking over to where the loner red head sat. For some reason, his stalker looked very familiar.

_Uzumaki's coming this way. I've never been __**this**__ close to him before. My heart is beating faster. He's so…_

"Um, may I help you? You've been sitting around here for a long time."

Gaara avoided looking into the face of Naruto Uzumaki. He was sure that he would have a nosebleed if he did. Gaara looked down at his lap instead and said the first thing that came to mind.

"Who must I speak with to get a job around here?"

_If I get hired, I can spend more time watching Naruto…I will make sure that I do get hired…_

Tenten watched curiously from the cash register as Sai and Hinata gave off similar murderous auras, cracking their fists as their eyes became overshadowed with evil intent toward whoever Naruto was speaking so animatedly with.

_But…I thought Sai was supposed to have no emotions and Hinata was supposed to be a sweetheart. I guess you really can't judge a book by its cover, _the girl thought, shrugging to herself and biting into a cupcake.

"Excuse me Miss, but that was _my_ cupcake, I just ordered it…Miss…? **HEY MISS**…?!"

**XXX**

_My Naruto-Is-Being-Stalked senses are tingling. I need to hurry back to work…_

Uchiha Sasuke stopped at a red light. During his minor break from driving, he eyed the activity going on outside of his car. There were birds. And clouds. And people. And cars. And another café having its grand opening…

Sasuke blanched. _No he did not…my aniki did NOT open a café with his stupid friends in order to get back at me… nonononononono…!!!_

_**Café Akatsuki**_

_**GRAND OPENING**_

_**Where all of your deepest desires can be met over a cup of coffee…**_

_**A Hundred Times Better than Café C'est la Vie**__**Konoha's best, for real! **__**Come taste a little slice of heaven today! **_

Sasuke ran the red light. Though illegal and highly dangerous he didn't get stopped by the police because his license plate read 'Uchiha,' and everyone in Konoha knew that messing with an Uchiha meant sudden death. The Uchihas were one of the wealthiest families in all of Japan, after all.

Inner!Sasuke waved both middle fingers in the air while sticking out his tongue rudely,_" I'm not going to let you beat me Itachi, because I'm bitchin'…BELIEVE IT!" _Inner!Sasuke then twitched,_ "Oh God, did I just use that dobe's retarded English Dub catchphrase…? _

**XXX**

"You're hired!"

"…You didn't even interview me," Gaara pointed out monotonously.

"You're attractive and that's what matters the most in my café. You're good enough to be a waiter."

"What would've happened if I wasn't attractive?"

"I would have hired you, but you would have been in the kitchen where all of The Unworthy work. Like Rock Lee, for example."

"Who is Rock Lee?"

Kakashi chuckled softly and waved his hand, "You'll meet him soon enough."

Gaara stared at the silver-haired, mask wearing owner. "Your café is very shallow, Hatake-san."

"It's what brings business in, Gaara-kun; the world is a very shallow place," Kakashi replied soberly. Kakashi's office door slammed opened suddenly.

"KAKASHI-SENSEI, SASUKE'S EVIL, SEXY OLDER BROTHER IS TRYING TO RUN US OUT OF BUSINESS! WE'VE GOT TO STOP …HEY GAARA!! YOU HAVE A TATTOO ON YOUR HEAD, THAT'S SO COOL…!"

Sasuke stared at Naruto, "Did you just call Itachi sexy, dobe?"

The blond snapped out of his ramblingsfor a moment, "So what if I did teme, is that a _problem_?"

Sasuke punched Naruto in the face. Naruto kneed Sasuke in the gut. The two started rolling around on the floor fighting. Ino and Sai watched, thinking about how much hotter it would be with their clothes _off_; they were yaoi fans.

"Neji, Shikamaru, I want you to go to Sasuke's Evil Sexy Older Brother's café and see if they hold any competition for me.Sakura-chan, please stop Naruto and Sasuke's fight so that we can find out where this café is from Sasuke. Sai, please see if you can find a uniform for Gaara-kun to wear. By the way, he's the newest member of our staff. Make him feel at home. Now, everyone, get the hell out of my office."

"HAI!" Kakashi's workers replied as the older man pulled out his newest copy of Icha Icha Paradise. Sai secretly smirked to himself; Icha Icha would be nothing compared to Ninja Make-Out Heaven, the erotic manga he was working on that featured all of his favorite coworkers doing NC-17 worthy things. In _color_.

**XXX**

With a quick change out of their uniforms into regular street clothes and donning of a pair of black sunglasses, as a part of their disguises, the Hyuuga and the Nara left work and headed out to Café Akatsuki, in order to spy as Kakashi requested. The first thing the two saw as they took their seats was a blonde haired lady wearing a black cloak covered with red clouds choking the life out of a man wearing an orange mask.

"Okasan, it HURTS, I can't BREATHE…!"

"FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU ARE NOT THE CRACK CHILD OF ME AND SASORI, stop calling me your MOTHER DAMN IT, I AM A MAN TOBI, UN!!!"

"Momma Deidara, you're not supposed to strangle your children, _ACKKKK…!_"

"_DIE! UN, UN, UNNNNNN!!!!_"

A pretty looking red head standing nearby played with two miniature puppets nearby. "Yes mother and father, they are irritating, aren't they?" He said to the puppets, "Would any of you like something to eat now?" The red head smiled.

Neji cursed, "They're just as dysfunctional as we are, maybe even _more_ so."

Shikamaru nodded, "They have femme boys, very much like you," Neji glared at Shikamaru for that remark, "cool-looking uniformand their dysfunctional-ness adds to their overall charm, allowing them to attract a lot of customers. They are, however, missing one thing. One thing that we have."

Neji smirked as he removed his sunglasses, "Cute girls."

Shikamaru scowled, "Well, yes, but not that! They're missing a _Naruto!_ Without a Naruto-Type, the whole dysfunctional thing falls apart. Why do you think Kakashi-sensei keeps Naruto around despite the fact he's an ADHD blond who rarely shuts up?"

"Isn't it because Naruto is an extremely likable person…?"

The two geniuses continued discussing and making comparisons. They were so deeply involved in their argument, that they did not notice the shark-faced man sitting nearby, listening to their every word.

**XXX**

"**State your intentions toward Naruto Uzumaki."**

Sai, Sasuke, and Hinata had ganged up on Gaara, all emitting the same sinister aura with depraved, wicked gleams in their eyes.

Gaara stared back at them vacantly, "I don't have to explain myself to any of you."

Hinata stepped forward, smiling innocently and playing with her fingers cutely, "Explain your intentions…pretty please with sugar on top?" _The cute and naive act gets them every time, kukukukukuku… _

". . . No," Gaara replied. Hinata gasped; she felt an invisible punch slam into her stomach. She took a few steps back, shaking, "But…but…only Sasuke-kun is absolutely indifferent to my pouring sweetness…!"

"At any rate, we had dibs on Naruto first, we don't _need_ another person trying to go after what's ours," Sai chirped with a fake smile. Sasuke continued, "So I'd _suggest_…"

"_Heyyy_, what are you guys doing cornering my tanuki-chan?"

"You've given him a _nickname_?" Sai said in disbelief. Nicknames were his thing, after all.

"I think you're imagining things usuratonkachi, we're not cornering anyone," Sasuke replied impassively, keeping his growing rage in check.

"Na…Na…Naruto-kun!" Hinata squeaked as she fainted into his arms. Naruto blinked as he lifted the dark-haired girl with ease, "Oi! Hinata-chan fainted again!"

Sasuke and Sai did not miss the girl's light smirk.

_Evil bitch,_ the two pale teens thought simultaneously.

_**OOO**_

"Ah hem, from the information I've received from our spies, I've come to another decision," Kakashi announced as they were closing up for the night. The only three left were Lee, Chouji, and Shino. They were the cooks, the foundation of the café, but never seen since they were The Unworthy in Kakashi's eyes.

"Why are you telling us, shouldn't you have said this to your waiters and waitresses earlier?" Shino asked.

Kakashi's eyes crinkled into a smile, "But they would have grown upset, bitched at me and wouldn't have focused on work at all if had told them. This is why you three are going to call them up and tell them this for me; tomorrow, I want to see cross dressing, as in them switching

uniforms. According to my research, people like these kinds of things, especially females."

Lee pumped an enthusiastic fist into the air, "YOSH! CROSS DRESSING! HOW VERY YOUTHFUL!!! CAN I DO IT AS WELL KAKASHI-SENSEI?!"

"_**. . ." **_

Shino and Chouji felt grateful that they weren't important enough to be caught up in Kakashi's silly schemes, for once.

**XXX**

Uchiha Itachi smirked as he took in all of the information that his co-worker and boyfriend Hoshigaki Kisame had reported to him. He leaned back in the seat of his car. Kisame was operating the Uchiha's vehicle because Itachi was legally blind when he wasn't wearing either his glasses or contacts. And Itachi detested his glasses with a passion…and often forgot to put in his contacts. So Kisame had no choice but to baby sit his evil, sexy, blind boyfriend.

"…Tomorrow Kisame, a kidnapping is in order. We will make this Uzumaki Naruto, my foolish otouto's friend, join our café. Even if it takes a little…_forceful_ persuasion. We shall use Uzumaki's greatest weakness against him…_ramen_."

The shark man's teeth gleamed in the moonlight as he tossed his head back and chuckled darkly; Kisame ran a stray cat by accident while he was laughing. Itachi cursed, "Now there's cat blood and fur all over my lovely tires!" His inherent Uchiha OCD started to kick in. Kisame hated it when Itachi got like this; it normally meant no sex.

**XX End Drink XX**

Some Author Notes…

C'est la Vie: French for, "That's life!"

Mah, the idea for this is that the whole café cast are high school graduates and working at the café is a well-paying summer job! Plus, they're all one big happy family, even though they won't admit it. (Geniuses like Neji and Sasuke are taking summer classes for college already.) They call Kakashi _sensei_ because Kakashi sometimes teaches them valuable things. _Sometimes_.

Akatsuki fun and more café madness ensure next chapter! See you there!

_Ja ne_!**  
**


	2. Cup 2: Scheming on All Sides!

A/N: This was inspired by a picture on DeviantArt, entitled Konoha Café by hyatt-ayanami, which the uniforms described in this fic are based on. This has also been slightly inspired by the anime Ouran High School Host Club. There is a link placed up in Miss Zana's profile to check out the art.

**Disclaimer**: **This** **is pure crack and not meant to be taken seriously AT **_**ALL**_. We love everyone off of Naruto, no matter how much their character may be raped in this crack. Forever Yours Zana and Miss shy7cat don't own anything. 'Nuff said.

**Warnings**: Some spoilers for those who aren't up to date, Naruto anime/manga wise. Shonen-ai, het, yuri hints and more. Yays.

_Miss Zana and Miss Cat are proud to present,__** Café C'est la Vie**__. Because when life gives you sexy evil older brothers, you swear the ultimate revenge, of course! A joined work in progress. _

**Cafe C'est la Vie**

**Cup 2: Scheming on All Sides! The Competition For Konoha's Best Cafe Begins!**

For the most part, being Kakashi's second in command kicked ass. Uchiha Sasuke was pretty much in charge of _everything_ as Kakashi was too lazy and hands off to do anything but make sure they didn't kill each other with silver utensils and scalding coffee. He got to boss around the staff, pick on/flirt with the dobe all day, and make sure that everything was done his way. _Oh yes_, Sasuke was very happy with the amount of control that came with the job. The only thing that wasn't bitchin' about being in charge was the hours. Ugh.

Being head honcho meant he had to wake up early _every day_. Because heaven forbid Kakashi be on time, for once. So everyday Sasuke woke up at five in the morning, took a shower, got dressed, and stumbled out the door to go open up the cafe.

Nobody messed with the Uchiha in the early morning; those who did were often met with a paper clip to the throat (recent victims including Kiba and Naruto) and that just wasn't a pleasant way to start the day. So it was a bit distressing to both Sasuke and The Unworthys when Lee decided to wear a frilly green skirt to work.

"Greetings, Sasuke-kun! How are you this most wondrous of mornings?" The orange apron wearing monstrosity was practically vibrating with energy. Sasuke's eyebrows did a silly dance as he tried to settle on a facial expression that would properly convey how much Lee's outfit was disturbing him. He settled for a look of utter distaste.

"What the hell are you wearing?" he asked bluntly. The bowl-cut sporting youth laughed raucously, "I'm wearing a skirt of course! In honor of our cafe's youthful new theme!"

This did nothing for Sasuke's mood. "What new theme?" he growled. Chouji and Shino exchanged looks of horror and Chouji waved his arms wildly as if to ward off Lee's answer.

Scarily round doll eyes blinked in confusion. "Kakashi-sensei wants us all to cross dress today! Didn't you hear?"

"Obviously not," was the dry response. Sasuke turned to the other Unworthys, elegant eyebrow raised, "Did you two know anything about this?" There was a kind of sick glint in the depths of his onyx eyes. That usually meant trouble and possible death for everyone else.

Chouji briefly considered lying in order to avoid the raven-haired boy's wrath, but the choice was stolen from him when Shino replied, "Yes, Kakashi told us yesterday night and told us to tell the waiters and waitresses."

Chouji winced, Sasuke glared, and Lee fidgeted with his skirt.

"Did you guys even _attempt_ to tell anyone?" The furious black-haired boy questioned.

"I called Shikamaru!" Chouji said quickly. Sasuke wasn't impressed. Not one bit. "You called the laziest kid to ever exist and expected him to call and tell people to come into work dressed in drag? Brilliant Akimichi, just brilliant. No wonder why you're an Unworthy Reject."

The chubby brunet frowned, "Hey, at least I _tried_!" Sasuke snorted and turned back to Lee, "What about you?"

"I was going to call Neji-kun as soon as I got home, but then I got distracted..."

_Lee was jogging home, imagining how much fun his next wonderful day at work would be. He was going to join in on the youthful excitement of the next day by dressing up like a woman. Would his mom let him borrow her long ruffled green skirt? He would have to ask as soon as he got home; right after calling Neji, of course..._

_As he neared the tidy house his family inhabited, he spied a black-haired man in eye-catching green spandex doing push-ups on his neighbor's front lawn. _

_"GAI-SENSEI!!!" He raced towards the man who stood and stared blankly at him before smiling widely._

_"LEE!!!"_

_Gai flung his arms open as he was glomped and swung Lee around laughing. Time seemed to freeze for a moment; the air was suddenly filled with the sound of complaining seagulls and ocean waves. The sun began to sink dramatically in the background, despite it being almost 9:30 pm._

_A woman in the background turned suddenly to her friend and began to whisper brokenly, "Do you...do you see it, now?! I told you, I told you! Those two...they, they...!!!"_

_"Yeah, I do see it. Those two look exactly alike. He called him sensei…they're not related…?" The friend whispered back, looking awed. The other disturbed woman shot her friend a horrified look before covering her ears to block out the sound of ocean waves. "I don't know!!! Quite frankly, I'm more concerned with the ocean cliff side that just popped up out of nowhere!" _

"...Gai-sensei returned home from his vacation and we ran around the city thirty times in celebration! By the time I got home it was far too late to call anybody...I'm so sorry, Sasuke-kun, please forgive me!"

Sasuke sniffed derisively, but didn't say anything. He expected something strange like that to occur with the energetic older boy. Despite Lee's (sometimes) overbearing politeness and friendliness, the boy was fairly hopeless when it came to socializing.

He turned his attention to stoic, silent, hooded Shino. The eyebrow once again rose, but received only a small, "Hm," in response. Shino _had _actually attempted to call and tell somebody Kakashi's plan, but every time he picked up the phone he had chickened out. Shino didn't bother to share this information with anyone else. The Uchiha didn't need to know how nervous the thought of calling Kiba made the bug-loving reject. Shino blushed slightly under the protection of his hood and adjusted his sunglasses.

Sasuke smirked darkly. Shino obviously hadn't called anybody, there was no way in hell Shikamaru told anyone the news, and Lee had, politely, decided against telling anyone. This was perfect…

"Akimichi, brew me up a fresh cup of coffee. Shino, fetch me a tomato, I'm hungry. Now, here's the plan…"

**OOO**

If there was anything Itachi hated about his shark-like lover it was how creepy he looked when he slept. He couldn't just lie down and curl up like a normal person, _oh no_. Kisame had to sleep flat like a board on his back with his eyes open wide. Imagine waking up next to _that_ every day; sometimes Itachi was _glad_ he was blind.

"Wake up, useless ass! Uzumaki isn't going to kidnap himself," he grumped, punching his boyfriend in the kidneys. Itachi, like his foolish little brother, was _not_ a morning person.

Kisame wheezed and curled in on himself in pain. "What was that for, 'tachi?" he groaned. Itachi rolled his sightless eyes and groped around on the bedside table for his hideous beyond words (or at least he thought so) glasses. He shoved them onto his elegant nose and glared at his partner, who was still groaning and rubbing at his abused side.

"Hurry up. We have to report in to Leader by seven and we still prepare for the kidnapping…"

The blue-haired man yawned and nodded, "Yeah, okay. I'm just gonna snag a quick shower first and then I'll be ready to go." Kisame glanced over at Itachi and couldn't help but smirk. The elder Uchiha's hair was sticking up in a way reminiscent of his younger brother, add the pouty frown he was sporting and his sexy glasses and you had what looked like one _thoroughly_ sexed up secretary. He stalked towards his raven-haired boyfriend, wrapping his arms around him.

He dipped his head down and nipped at Itachi's ear teasingly. Right as he was about to say something flirty and hot that was guaranteed to get the other man back into bed and begging for him, Itachi dug his elbow into Kisame's sternum. He glared down at the big blue shark man who was rolling around on the ground clutching his chest and gasping for breath.

"You smell like old sushi…and I still haven't forgiven you for fucking up my tires, cat murderer."

And with that, Itachi stomped into the bathroom and locked the door, leaving Kisame to wallow in his misery. Because that's just how Uchiha Itachi rolls.

**XXX**

"What would you like to order?" Gaara questioned passively.

The customer he was speaking to shifted in her seat, unnerved by the red-heads blank stare. "Um, well, I don't know…could I have a bit more time, maybe?" she squeaked, shielding her face with her hands as if Gaara was going attack her for her request. He briefly considered doing so before hn-ing lightly and walking back towards the cash register.

Sakura and Ino looked up from the magazine they were giggling over at his approach. "So, what did she order?" the pinkette asked lightly.

"She hasn't decided yet."

Ino glanced over to the customer he had just waited on. The woman had relaxed since Gaara walked away, but still kept sending wary glances his way. The blonde frowned, "What did you _do_ to her?"

"Nothing. I just asked her what she would like," Gaara stated monotonously.

"Well if you asked her in _that_ tone of voice and with sour face, it's no wonder she looks so traumatized! Didn't anyone teach you how we do things around here?" questioned Sakura, frowning as well.

The panda-eyed boy shook his head, "Everyone was too busy last night."

"Well then, I'll just have to show you how it's done! Observe!" Ino stated, sticking out her well-endowed chest, making her way purposely toward the mousy-haired customer Gaara had been waiting on. The woman had noticed her approach and was smiling timidly. Ino flipped her platinum blonde ponytail before smiling sweetly and sitting down opposite the woman.

She crossed her legs, her already short uniform skirt riding up her thighs. She spoke in a purring tone, "Have you…decided on what you would like to order this morning, Miss? We have _plenty_ to choose from."

Gaara watched the scene taking place, taking mental notes of how Ino was causing the timid customer to turn strawberry red; the slight intimacy hinted, the obvious fan service. Beside him, Sakura was practically foaming at the mouth. Both of her fists were clenched in rage.

"That little bitch, she's supposed to be _my_ bitch! She's taking her flirting just a little too far…!" The pink-haired waitress stomped over to where Ino was giggling and dragged her away by her blonde ponytail. Ino flailed and hissed as Sakura chirped to the customer, "Your order will be coming _riiiight_ up!"

Gaara thought that he slightly understood this process and walked over to another waiting customer, determined to get it right this time. His overall facial expression remained blank. His lips were twisted in what was a poor effort to be a flirtatious smirk. Since Gaara did not have any breasts to work with, he substituted them with hair.

"May I take your order Miss?" The red head said in what was an attempted sexy voice. He ran his fingers through his hair.

Little did Gaara know, in the customer's eyes, his smirk looked like a demonic, "I am going to kill you painfully, yay!" smirk. His eyes weren't sultry, but instead, haunted and possessed-looking. The running his fingers through his hair thing was sexy though. But not enough to compensate for the rest of his threatening demeanor.

So the customer let out a blood curdling shriek before grabbing her purse and running out. Gaara frowned.

Tenten tsked from behind him, holding a tray, "You have a lot of work to do, Gaara-san." Besides Lee, the bun-haired girl had cross-dressed, now donning the male café uniform. Her nametag read, 'Uzumaki Naruto.'

Gaara narrowed his eyes, "What are you doing wearing Uzumaki's uniform?" Tenten blinked, "It seems that no one else heard…or bothered. We were supposed to cross-dress for our café's new theme. Naruto-kun told me and we switched uniforms last night…speaking of which, have you seen him yet? He has my nametag!"

The red haired teen shook his head, "I haven't seen him." The brunette frowned, "That's odd…he's usually here early. No wonder why the place seems so…_dead_. I wonder if Sasuke-kun has noticed yet…"

**OOO**

Uzumaki Naruto sneezed. _Ah, this stupid French maid outfit must be giving me a cold…or someone's talking about me. Probably Sasuke-teme…boy is he going to bitch at me for being so late! _

The hyperactive blond teenager walked Konoha's busy streets, on his way to work. A permanent blush covered his tanned, whiskered cheeks from the stares and whistles he received from various strangers, due to his cross-dressing (for which Naruto would bitch at Kakashi-sensei about later).

"Mou, I better not be the only guy in the girl's uniform or else there will be hell to pay! What if Shikamaru lied to me…nah, he's too lazy to come up with such an elaborate lie. But then again, he is a _genius_." Naruto stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and growled, "I'm so confused, _nandattebayo_! Everyone in the world is out to get me…_HEY_! A ramen stand! How convenient!" Naruto grinned and crossed the street, dodging rushing cars, to where the stand was located. He slapped down some money, "A bowl of miso ramen, please, I'm starving! I totally left home this morning without any breakfast!"

The two men running the stand wore black cloaks with red clouds decorating them. They also wore funny looking straw hats adorned with bells dangling from slips of white paper, efficiently hiding their faces.

"Of course," said one of the men, sliding a bowl of steaming miso ramen across the counter. Blue eyes lit up with excitement, "Mmm, it smells delicious! I've never seen a ramen stand around here before, did it you guys just randomly open it? Why do you seem so familiar? Sasuke-teme did say I was horrible at remembering things…but that doesn't mean I'm stupid! Hey, isn't the weather lovely today? Thanks mysterious looking old man! Where did you get your hats from? They look really cool!"

"That is not of importance right now, foolish boy. Eat your ramen before it grows cold," said the other, slightly shorter cloaked man. Naruto blinked, shrugged, and then started chowing down, finishing the noodles in record time. He held the white bowl to his lips and drank down the remaining broth. The blond wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and burped. His cheeks were flushed and his eyelids began to droop. Everything was growing blurry.

"…I feel sleepy now…so sleepy…will you let me rest on you…_Sasuke…?_"

"I'm not my foolish otouto, fucker; I'm his much cooler aniki," Itachi stated coldly. Naruto swooned and fell into Kisame's muscular arms. The shark man chuckled as he slung Naruto over his shoulder, "Mission complete, this was very easy. But, shouldn't we worry about the idiots over at his café...? Including your otouto?" Kisame decided to not add that Sasuke was just as scary and violent as Itachi whenever the younger Uchiha was angered. Kisame would know, since he had faced Sasuke's murderous wrath before. He still had the scars on his skin to prove it.

Itachi snorted, "Just get into the car, fool." The elder Uchiha had his red contacts in today, so he was capable of driving. Within seconds, the two drove off with an unconscious, cross-dressing damsel in distress in their midst.

The two women, who had been subjected to seeing Lee and Gai's 'youthfulness,' also saw the entire kidnapping take place. The first woman looked at her friend, "Oh my God…that boy was wearing…_panties_."

"How do you _know_?" asked her friend.

"I caught a glimpse when that shark man picked him up. Shouldn't we call the police or something? Those pedophiles kidnapped that kid…!"

"But that kid…was cross-dressing. Maybe it's a part of some….like, I don't know…kinky sex game for them?"

"That is so wrong on so many levels…"

"…and kind of hot. Admit it, you're thinking about it."

"I know…I know I am…"

**XXX**

"Why am I not seeing cross-dressing?" was the first thing Hatake Kakashi asked the Unworthy Ones slaving away in the kitchen as soon as he walked into his café, "It was your job to inform everyone."

"What are you talking about?" Shino asked, taking cupcakes out of an oven and setting them on a cooling rack. Kakashi looked displeased, "You are well aware of what I am talking about. Don't play dumb with me. And why is Lee tied up in the corner with duct tape over his mouth? With only _boxers_ on?"

"Um…there's…no reason at all!" Chouji insisted, "Lee, erm, has a fetish is all! Bondage!" Shino nodded silently in agreement.

The sliver haired owner raised an eyebrow, "Fetish. Right. This doesn't mean you're getting out of not telling my Worthy employees about cross-dressing. I'm taking money out of your paychecks."

"But…but you never said anything! You're growing senile, senile I tell you!" Chouji exclaimed, pointing a chubby finger at his boss.

"Oh quit it. This is some pathetic plan of Sasuke's in a pitiful attempt to make me feel _old_. Tenten's swapped uniforms with Naruto, I saw her on the way in. I also see how you've hidden Lee's skirt behind the refrigerator. You've also tied up Lee to prevent him from telling the truth. For that, I will not take money out of Lee's check. Have a nice day baking, Unworthys!" Their boss promptly left the kitchen. Shino and Chouji inwardly cursed their bastard of a superior Sasuke. Lee squirmed in his corner, making panicked noises. He _really _had to pee.

**OOO**

Hyuuga Neji walked into the café, fully dressed in uniform. He had just returned from one of his morning college classes and was greeted with the unpleasant sound of Sasuke's voice screaming at Tenten, who was remaining surprisingly calm and blank faced under the full force of Sasuke's anger.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THE DOBE IS?! MY NARUTO SENSES ARE GOING _HAYWIRE_ AND YOU'RE WEARING HIS UNIFORM, YOU'D BETTER COME UP WITH AN ANSWER-!"

Shikamaru sighed audibly. "Maybe he got kidnapped," he muttered, not seriously meaning this in the least.

The Uchiha turned away from the brunette girl, took out his contacts case, and swiftly put in his cool red contacts with the spiffy swirly pupils. He only wore them when he was in **Smack a Bitch Up**_**™ **_mode, because he felt they made him look much more intimidating. It had nothing to do with the fact that on the inside, Sasuke still admired his aniki and wanted to be just like him when he was a fully grown adult. Oh no.

"_Itachi_ has him. I just know he does," the raven-haired teen hissed, appearing ten times more menacing with his red, swirly contacts of utter doom. The dark aura surrounding his body was so thick; you would need to hack through it with an ax.

Neji's left eye twitched. _Why is destiny being so cruel to me today? Fuck you fate, just fuck you. _

Fate laughed, "I'd _love_ to, Neji-kun. Name the time and place."

Neji twitched again and glanced around suspiciously, officially disturbed.

Sai, who was in fact off today but came to the café dressed in his trademark belly-baring outfit to harass people anyway, jumped out of his seat and pulled out a sword.

"Sounds like it's time for Operation: Rescue Dickless Before He Possibly Gets Ass Raped!"

Sasuke smirked, "I like the way you're thinking for once, Sai. _Weapons_."

"What are you doing with a sword in the first place Sai? You're not a ninja in this story."

Sai glared, "Listen Buns, if Dickless can use jutsus then _I_ can use a sword, end of story."

Kakashi popped his head out of his office, visible eye crinkled, "Only three people can go and rescue Naruto. If you're going to do illegal things, make sure you don't get caught because I'd rather not have my ass sent to jail nor have your parents blame me for all of you being screwed up little teenagers. Oh and in two hours, I want to see more cross-dressers especially you, Hyuuga. Or else I'm taking money out of _all _of your paychecks and God knows you guys don't get paid that much in the _first place_! _Thank you_!" Kakashi's door closed.

Sakura, Hinata, and Ino all ganged up around Neji, cracking their fists. Hinata cracked her fists nicely, however, because she is Hinata. Hinata then fainted, because she is Hinata.

"Girl down," Shikamaru murmured.

Neji held Hinata in his arms and attempted to use her body to shield himself from Sakura's manly punches and Ino's pure girly bitchiness.

"We like our money, Neji-kun," they both stated directly, "a lot."

Kiba skipped past Neji, stole the unconscious Hinata and bowed, "I'll take care of her while the girls pretty you up Hyuuga!" Kiba's dog/sidekick Akamaru barked cutely. Neji narrowed his white eyes, "If you do anything to Hinata, I'll kill you Inuzuka. And I can hide your body. And the police would Never. Find. Out."

Gaara scared away another customer and sighed.

**XX End Drink XX**

**Coming Up Next Drink: **Sasuke leads a mission (with his Bitch Boots and Angry Eyes) to break into Café Akatsuki; a fight to the death to save Naruto ensures! Neji loses his last shreds of manhood and more! Until next chapter…_READ AND REVIEW!_

_Ja ne!_


	3. Super Special Holiday Cup!

**Flashback No Jutsu to the café gang's winter break when they were little first years (aka before the time skip, manga/anime wise) in high school, before they started working at Kakashi's café. Good times, **_**whoo. **_

**This is a mixture of crack, fluff, partial angst/seriousness, and general weirdness. Gasp. **

**This came out MUCH longer than I had originally planned. Yikes. Enjoy and REVIEW! **

**Beta'd by the lovely shy7cat! **

**XXX**

**Cafe C'est la Vie**

**Side Story Special Holiday Cup Laced With Mint**

_Also Known As: The Time The Gang Was Trapped In Sasuke's House During A Blizzard On Christmas Eve Because Jesus Hates Emos Who Don't Believe In Santa Claus Or Celebrate His Birthday_

**XXX**

Uchiha Sasuke wearily eyed the cellular device sitting on his bed which had been ringing non-stop for the past three hours. Sasuke knew that it could only be none other than Uzumaki Naruto trying to contact him through said cellular device.

Sasuke had no desire to talk to Uzumaki Naruto for many reasons. So _many_ reasons. Naruto was loud and spastic. He was prone to moments of ADHD-induced crazy. He liked orange and ramen. He was a blond, and therefore severely retarded. On Sasuke's first day of high school, the blond had the audacity to call him out and claim that he was a snobby bastard of a _Goth_ kid.

Sasuke was a Punk-Emo hybrid, not Goth. They were completely different things. How dare that usuratonkachi get them mixed?

However, Uzumaki Naruto, despite his plethora of short-comings, became instantly popular. People either loved him or hated him, but not one person was _indifferent_ toward him. Uzumaki Naruto even turned Hyuuga Neji (a fellow Emo) _less_ Emo, turned Haruno Sakura (his once ultimate fan girl) into a cool bisexual, and made Sai smile, for _real_.

He also made Sai increase his vocabulary: penis, cock, dick, etcetera, and etcetera.

Sasuke blamed Naruto's Power of the Day-Glo Orange. He blamed Naruto's Power of Mysterious Change. He blamed the way Naruto was able to walk into a room and instantly get every single person's attention with his ever-glowing brilliance, exuberance, and thirst for life.

Sasuke only got attention because he was an Uchiha…and dead sexy.

Uchiha Sasuke did't want anything to do with Uzumaki Naruto because every time they got into one of their heated arguments and Naruto's nose was inches away from his, and Naruto's big mouth was centimeters away from his, Sasuke found himself suddenly wishing that Uzumaki Naruto would kiss him so hard that it'd hurt. He found himself wishing that Naruto's fingers would curl at the back of his neck, dance along his spine, slide down to his hips, dig into his skin, and that he would just love him so painfully that it would feel so _good_.

And then he wished Naruto would cuddle with him after and call him a beautiful princess (after which he would pummel the blond into a pulp and leave his ass first thing in the morning).

And Uchiha Sasuke found that un-bitchin'.

_Believe it. _

Sasuke's cellular device continued to ring and the raven haired teen finally decided to cave in and pick up his phone. Knowing Naruto, the dumbass would keep calling him until the end of time, if need be. He flipped his phone open and pressed itto his ear.

"…What the fuck do you want dobe?"

"About time you picked up! I was getting tired of listening to your stupid message, I mean, how Goth can you get? Talking about killing your older brother and whatnot…"

"I'm a Punk-Emo—never mind. You're not even worth explaining anything to, hn."

"_You annoying gothic little_—SASUKE! Look outside right now! Look, look, look damnit!"

"…You're giving me a headache, can you lower your—"

"_LOOK. OUTSIDE. YOUR. WINDOW. TEME!" _

Sasuke growled into the other end of his phone as he got up from his bed and pushed back his heavy, dark curtains which prohibited even a hint sunlight from flooding in and giving him skin color. The clouds in the sky were a puffy white color, laced with a hint of silver. Tiny, white flakes descended from the sky. It was snowing.

…And Naruto's irritating self was standing outside of his house, jumping up and down and waving his hands in the air like some kind of mentally-challenged child. Sasuke opened his window and stuck his head outside.

"Hey you bastard, let me in, it's freezing out here!" Naruto shouted, cupping his hands around his mouth so that his voice echoed. Sasuke noticed that the dobe was dressed in only a flimsy orange jacket. Sasuke blinked and, without a word, closed his window and left the confines of his room to go and let the blond in.

…Not that he was _worried_ about Naruto or anything. The Uchihas just rolled like that.

Sasuke was met with a red-faced, grinning blond at his door who rubbed his hands furiously together.

"Hey teme. Isn't the snow all shiny and pretty? I like shiny things…hey Sasuke! You're wearing glasses! You look like a total nerd! I never knew you wore glasses—the snow's so pretty—"

Sasuke cut Naruto off before the blond could continue rambling.

"You waited out there for three hours? Wearing that? I mean, I always knew you were stupid, but not _this_ stupid. How did you ever make it to high school?" Sasuke found that his voice was rising with each word. Blue eyes stared at him obliviously.

"…I just wanted you to see the snow. And I'm not stupid, asshole. And it's Christmas Eve. It's kind of romantic. I think. You know? I just wanted you to see."

Naruto then tilted his head to the side and rubbed the back of his neck, sheepishly (nervously?) laughing. Sasuke felt his reading glasses slide down the arch of his nose. That crazy feeling of wanting to kiss Naruto was returning to him at full speed.

"Hey trash, why don't you move out of the way and let the rest of us in?" Sai chimed, suddenly popping up behind Naruto and totally ruining in the moment. Hyuuga Neji appeared on Naruto's left side, "It _is_ rather cold outside Uchiha. Do you have any hot chocolate? From Switzerland, perhaps?"

Sasuke glared, "Uzumaki, what the HELL is this about?!"

"…Uhm, I invited some kids from school…to come with me and hang out at your place because I was afraid that since you're Goth and all, that you would try to commit suicide tonight by slitting your wrists."

Naruto and company were met with Sasuke's door slamming shut in their faces. Nara Shikamaru sighed, "How troublesome. Can we go and get something to eat? And by the way Naruto…you're stupid." He dropped the cigarette he was smoking to the ground.

Haruno Sakura felt her inner persona throw a bitch fit, _"Sasuke that little emo bastard, I'll sue his ass if I get sick out here, shannaro bitch! Plus, I want some free food…who knows what kind of endless goodies his huge house has to offer, kukuku…"_

Naruto kept on knocking on Sasuke's door, "Open up right now teme, or else I'm going to blast American rap music in your ears and squash the tomatoes you're so fond of and—"

The door opened again. This time, an older version of Sasuke stood in the doorway, wearing glasses identical to Sasuke's. Yamanaka Ino sighed dreamily, "I'd tap that ass."

"Seconded," Sakura agreed.

"He looks nice and big," Sai purred.

"He looks like Sasuke, so no," Neji murmured.

"I'm straight," Kiba announced.

Akamaru barked.

Hinata played with her fingers shyly.

Chouji tossed a chip into his mouth.

"…Whatever," Shikamaru stated, "But seriously, I want a hot meal."

"The sky's blue you guys. Holy shit," Naruto said in amazement.

"…" Shino said.

Itachi adjusted his glasses, "Well boys and girls, this 'ass' that you all want to 'tap' is being already tapped _every_ night. Now then, if you'd like to see my foolish little brother, come in. I'm sure there's something to eat inside of the kitchen. And here's a key, in case he tries to lock himself in a closet, or in the bathroom, or in his room. If you try to steal anything from my house, you _will _die within the next twelve hours."

Naruto grabbed the key, "Thank you Sexy Scary Older Sasuke! To the kitchen we go! Ho! Let's loot Sasuke for all that he's worth!"

**Ten Minutes Later…**

Neji gave a pleased little sigh as he daintily sipped his hot chocolate from a cup that read _Sasuke's Bitchin' Cup—For Sasuke ONLY. _Naruto was on the last cup of instant ramen that he found in the cabinet. Sai was inconspicuously groping Naruto. Kiba was eating all of the exotic cheeses the Uchihas had to offer. Shikamaru had made himself a hot sandwich.

"You know guys," Sakura spoke up, taking a tray of hot chocolate chip cookies from out of an oven, "it's really rude eating up Sasuke's food and making a complete mess in his kitchen like this."

Hinata pointed out, "But…but you're…baking…Sakura…aren't you just adding…to the problem…?"

"Hell to the no," Ino replied for the pinked haired girl, snatching a cookie off of her tray and tossing it to Akamaru.

"INO! Don't give Akamaru chocolate, you're going to kill him!"

"Psh, that's a myth…oh…wait. That's how MY dog died…_damn_…"

"_**INO!!!" **_

All conversations came to a halt when Sasuke entered his kitchen wielding a giant black scythe. He had on his Sharingan contacts to boot, _hell yeah_. It was termination time.

"Don't think I won't use this, because I will. Observe the dried blood stains," Sasuke said with a dark smirk.

Naruto choked on his ramen, "What the hell teme?! I always knew you were crazy and a cutter, but not to _this_ extreme! It's OK to talk about your feelings!"

Sasuke tightened his grip, "I'll _show_ you my 'feelings' dobe." The younger Uchiha's red eye's tomes spun crazily as he lifted his scythe and swung. All of the victims in the kitchen ducked, allowed the weapon to do damage upon Sasuke's refrigerator and cabinets rather than their bodies.

"If I were a ninja, I'd _so_ use my super strength to kick his ass right now!" Sakura shouted from underneath Sasuke's kitchen table.

A Sharingan'd eyed noticed the cup of hot chocolate that had been left on top of his table. Sasuke tilted his head and pointed to the cup with his kick-ass scythe, "Who. Drank. From. My. Cup?"

"Neji did," everyone chorused except for the male Hyuuga.

"As punishment," Sasuke said darkly, taking slow steps forward, his wicked smirk growing sharper, "I shall cut off…"

"His penis?"

"His head?!"

"His penis?"

"His arms and legs?"

"His pen—"

"I shall cut off his hair," Sasuke stated, silencing the others. Neji rose from underneath the table, "Uchiha, you will not do such a thing, nor will I ever allow you to do such a thing. My amazingly long and silky-fresh hair is the one thing that destiny has been kind enough to give me. My long and silky-fresh hair is even better than Hinata-sama's and the rest of the Main House's. My hair is—"

Sasuke swung his scythe and Neji's luscious hair suddenly fell to only a little past his ears. Strands of dark brown hair fluttered onto the kitchen floor.

Hinata fainted into Kiba's waiting arms. Kiba grinned. Naruto raised a finger and pointed at Sasuke accusingly, "T…teme…! What the _hell _have you done?!"

"Cutting the Hyuuga's hair…is unforgivable. You will now be cursed Uchiha. For cutting anyone's hair…without their permission…is unforgivable," Shino said cryptically. And everyone knew that when Shino spoke cryptically, things were _very_ serious.

Sasuke raised his scythe higher, a dark shadow now covering his eyes, "Hn, you vermin will leave my house right at this moment. I don't want to have friends. I don't believe in the holidays or eternal happiness, or any of that fake crap. I refuse to let the dobe's shining Day-Glo Orange Light of Change take away my Dark Youth. GIVE ME BACK MY DARK YOUTH DAMNIT! Give me—!"

Uchiha Itachi strolled into the kitchen with a rolled up newspaper. He tapped the end of the rolled up newspaper on Sasuke's forehead while taking Sasuke's scythe from his grasp.

"Foolish little brother, what have I told you about playing with the weapons and using them on human beings? Don't try and scare away the only people who somewhat give a damn about your depressing ass. Now, apologize to the Hyuuga and take your friends to your room, and let them play with your expensive television and the video games you never use."

Sasuke glared at Itachi, "No. I hate you. More then I hate life itself."

Itachi chuckled, "Of course you do. Now, come on. Give your apology and remove your Angry Eyes while you're at it."

"I said no," Sasuke repeated before walking past Itachi and out of the kitchen. Naruto and company were able to leave their hiding spots. Hyuuga Neji still stood still in a complete daze, murmuring, "My hair…my hair…my hair," over and over to himself. Hinata softly patted his shoulder, "It'll grow back soon Neji-niisan…"

"I apologize for my foolish little brother's behavior. He tends to get very…disturbed during the holiday season. He prefers to lock himself inside of his room until after Christmas has passed," Itachi said listlessly, "He's been like this ever since our parents died."

"Wow, that's pretty sad," Kiba said, "No wonder why he's Emo."

Naruto frowned as he climbed on top of the kitchen table and pumped a fist into the air, "Yosh! It's our job...our duty to give Sasuke-teme the most bitching-ist Christmas—"

"Why does it always have to be Christmas? Why can't it ever be Kwanzaa or Hanukkah?" Ino complained.

"Or Winter Solstice," Sai added thoughtfully

"OK, we have to give Sasuke-teme the most bitching-ist ChrismaHanukKwanzSolstice EVER! Then we can finally defeat his Dark Youth and show him the light of normalcy and healthy tans!"

"Sai desperately needs a healthy tan," Ino coughed.

"I lied about calling you lovely, bitch," Sai coughed back.

Akamaru barked happily. Kiba snorted, "As if you're normal, Uzumaki."

Itachi smirked, "Well that's great! Now I don't have to stay in this house with my foolish little brother! All of the holiday decorations are in the attic. Have fun!"

The elder Uchiha suddenly tossed his glasses onto the floor and removed the black robe he wore to reveal him wearing some type of a slutty leather bondage outfit with an accompany whip. Everyone in the room suffered from instant nosebleeds, including the straight Kiba, the traumatized Neji, and the silent Shino. Itachi opened the nearest window and a helicopter ladder dropped in. He grabbed a hold of the rope ladder and began to climb up it

"Here's a credit card, in case you need to buy anything! Tell my foolish little brother I know I'm better than him!"

Seconds later, Itachi was gone, and the large Uchiha helicopter he boarded had become a tiny black dot among the increasing dots of white known as snowflakes.

Naruto blinked, "O…K. SO! We first need to call Lee and Tenten! Once they come, our preparations can begin! Sasuke won't know what hit him!"

"I have a bad feeling," Chouji muttered, shaking his head, "A very, very bad feeling."

"Shut up fat ass, no one cares what YOU think."

"_**SAI!!!" **_

**XXX**

"No, no, no, NO! The lights need to be straighter! The star looks crooked! Fix the DAMN pines on the DAMN tree! Do you want Sasuke to have a happy ChrismaHanukKwanzSolstice or to jump off a roof?"

"Yes Tenten!" Lee, Chouji, and Naruto replied as they immediately worked to fix what their slave driver found wrong. Tenten sighed happily to herself as she made herself comfortable on Sasuke's couch. She figured that this would be a worthy punishment for all the times she had been ignored. Hell, even _Akamaru_ and Naruto's frog purse and that _Icha Icha_ book got more screen time than she did. _Damn main characters._

Kiba was busy ordering who-knows-what with Itachi's golden credit card. Shikamaru, who was sitting next to the girl, kept on pushing the same button on Sasuke's remote control, changing the channels. He finally stopped on the weather channel.

"…_The snow keeps on coming down! It's predicted by the end of this winter blizzard, we will reach a whopping total of forty…that's right FORTY inches of snow! It looks like it's going to be a white Christmas after all…!" _

"Shika, did that woman just say what I thought she said?" Ino asked in a squeaky voice. Sakura grabbed her friend's arm, "There's only one way to find out…let's go take a peek outside."

The two girls stood up and opened the front door only to be met with a blast of winter air and a pile of snow that flooded in and went far past their ankles.

Hinata, who sat in the far corner of the room with her cousin Neji, combing his newly short hair, suddenly went off into a day dream. A day dream in which Naruto played with her in the falling snow, the way couples did in a romantic movie. The comb she was using for Neji's hair abruptly snapped within her fragile fingers. Inner Hinata pulled at her short hair, _"Damnit, I need to get these other obstacles out of the way so that I can have Naruto-kun to myself! But how? Aha! Perhaps if I get access to Sasuke-kun's weapons…" _

The lights in the house flickered once, then twice, and then finally they turned off. A voice murmured in the dark, "Well _shit_."

"…Was that you Lee?!"

**OOO**

After thirty minutes of fumbling through the dark within the grand Uchiha manor, Naruto was able to find three flashlights. He gave one to Shikamaru and the other to Sakura.

"I think it would be wise to find Uchiha-san," Shino said as he and the others stood in a circle within the living room.

"It won't stop snowing outside! We're trapped here! It's getting cold and NARUTO ate all of the food! We're screwed over I tell you! Screwed over! We might have to eat Chouji!

"I didn't eat all the food dog-breath! _Get bent_!"

"What the hell Kiba? Why me?" Chouji asked the dog-lover, "Why not your _dog_?"

"…Because you have more _meat _on you! How dare you even suggest we eat my precious Akamaru?!"

"Why don't you guys shut the hell up, before I MAKE you," Sakura threatened, receiving instant silence in return, "No one is going to die or eat Akamaru. This is exactly what we're going to do. Lee, Tenten, Shikamaru, and Chouji, you guys go to the kitchen and look for candles, matches, and food that doesn't need to be heated up. Ino, Hinata, Neji, and Shino, you guys will come with me. We'll look for blankets and stuff to keep warm. Naruto, Kiba, Akamaru, and Sai, you four go look for Emo boy."

Lee and Naruto sighed dreamily at Sakura's dominance. Hinata snarled, but no one knew that it was Hinata snarling what with it being dark and all.

"Our team shall be called _Team Persevering Youth_!" Lee shouted enthusiastically. The brightness of his smile was an added fourth light to the darkness they were in.

"Then my team's called _Team Beautiful Holiday Vixens_!" Ino announced while crossing her arms.

"Tch, both of your teams suck, because I'm going to call my team, _Team Rescue the Goth and Eat Ramen, Dattebayo!_"

"Wow Naruto, you sure do have a one-track mind, don't you?"

**X**_**X**_**X**

"Don't you think it's a bit harsh? Leaving Sasuke-kun home with a bunch of people during this awful weather? What if the power went out over at your house?"

"Did I ask you to speak Kisame? And what have I told you to call me?"

Hoshigaki Kisame choked as he felt Itachi pull on the whip that was securely wrapped around his neck.

"Urk…Itachi_-sama_…you know, I don't like this Christmas present of yours very much…"

"I think my foolish little brother will be fine this time around because he's finally found someone that will put up with him, his precious someone. But unlike me, he will most definitely be the _uke_ in the relationship."

"…But Itachi-sama—!"

"Merry Christmas Kisame. Bend over now."

Itachi placed the bottom of his sexy boot on the top of Kisame's head.

_Pwned. _

**XXX**

Naruto took out the key that Itachi had given him earlier for getting into various rooms of the Uchiha household.

"What are you waiting for Dickless? Open Sasuke-kun's room already!"

"Shut up Sai! And stop touching my ass every second!"

Kiba covered his ears, "I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight…"

But everyone knew that Kiba was totally gay for Naruto. _Everyone_ was gay for Naruto.

When the trio stepped foot into the younger Uchiha's room, they were surprised to the find that it was empty, and that Sasuke's window was open. With what appeared to be a long rope hanging out of said window.

"Ah. It appears that Sasuke-kun has left the building and is outside in the storm," Sai said, placing a hand on his hip, "That was a foolish move."

"Geez, did he not want to be around us _that_ badly?" Kiba remarked, sniffing derisively.

Naruto freaked out, "You guys! How can you be so calm?! What if he's lying in the snow, dying all dramatically?! What if he needs our help? We have to find the bastard! He's such an idiot, making people worry about him and always running away from his probl—"

"Naruto-kun," Sai said sharply, cutting the blond off, "Why do you worry about the Uchiha so much? You act as if you like him as more than just a friend. Why is it that _Sasuke_ gets such treatment from you?"

Kiba let out a low whistle, "A certain somebody who claims that he doesn't have any emotions is sounding pretty _jealous _right about now…"

Sai placed a hand on his own chest, "Is that what this feeling is called? Jealousy? I've read about it somewhere before…"

"Can we talk about you and your emotional retarded-ness later Sai? I really need to find Sasu—"

"_I think I love you Naruto_," Sai said as if he was talking about the weather or male private parts and Naruto found himself dropping his flashlight.

**OOO**

Hyuuga Hinata chuckled quietly to herself as she rubbed the knife she held in her hand

"We found tons of blankets to use, and some sleeping bags, as well as pillows. Team Persevering Youth, what did you come across?" Sakura questioned as the teams reported back to the living room.

"We were able to find cereal, my lovely Sakura-san, including a suspicious box of _Lucky Charms_ that read FOR SASUKE ONLY written in black marker on the back of the box!" Lee reported. Shikamaru sighed, "Sasuke sounds disturbingly possessive."

"Sasuke's crazy," everyone else chimed in unison.

"Fate said that she would give me my hair back if I slept with her," Neji announced.

"…Neji's crazy," everyone else chimed in unison.

The sound of Kiba's shouting from upstairs distracted the group meeting in the living room. Sai was following Kiba down the stairs, but just so happened to trip on a step and so ended up rolling down the stairs, taking the dog lover and Akamaru with him to the bottom of the staircase with a painful _thump_.

"Ouch! What the hell Sai—! Hey Sai...Sai…why are you not moving? Penis boy!"

"He's probably unconscious from the force of hitting his head against the ground. Pick him up and place him on the couch for now. It's all we can do with the damned weather," Shikamaru sighed, "So troublesome..."

"Ano, where's Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked quietly.

"That's what I wanted to tell you," Kiba said after carelessly throwing Sai's body on a couch, "Sasuke wasn't in his room, he actually left and the idiot went to go after him!"

Hinata gasped, "But…but it's cold outside and…he could…he could…._oh!_" The female Hyuuga fainted into Shino's lap, face first. Needless to say, it was very, very, _very _awkward for Shino.

"Oh! That idiot going off and doing things by himself! We have to go after him before he freezes to death!"

"That wouldn't be wise Haruno," Shikamaru replied, "We have no idea where Naruto's heading to. The snowfall's so heavy outside that we could easily get blinded, lost, and separated ourselves. No one's going after Naruto. I know he doesn't want anyone going after him anyway."

"Then are you just saying we should let ADHD boy wander around out there—it's nighttime now, he can get lost in the endless darkness, mind you— and die Nara?!"

"I'm not saying that either Haruno. Relax and have faith in Naruto," Shikamaru allowed a slow, lazy smile to spread across his face, "He is _Naruto_, after all, a _main_ character."

"Did I also mention," Kiba added, "that Sai confessed his love to Naruto right before he left?"

Everyone gasped. Ino squealed, "It's just like those yaoi manga when the two guys are fighting over the cute little uke except in this case it's two little ukes fighting over the confused seme!"

"You're twisted Yamanaka; and for your information, Sasuke or Sai would totally be seme."

"EXCUSE ME?! Do NOT make me get into a seme/uke war because I WILL verbally beat the crap out of you Chouji!"

"_Bring it ON sistah!" _

**XXX**

_This is a very interesting Christmas Eve indeed_, Hatake Kakashi though pleasantly while reading his favorite book, _I found a broody teenager in the snow._

From the corner of his eye, Kakashi watched as the aforementioned broody teenager sitting in his passenger seat buried himself further underneath the blanket the silver-haired man had provided for the dark-haired boy.

It sucked being stuck in your car in the middle of a blizzard without heat.

"So, Sasuke-kun, you're an Uchiha, huh? It seems strange that your older brother would let you go out so carelessly in the snow like this. Or were you running away from home?"

"Don't speak so casually to me old man. You know nothing about me."

"I saved your life."

"I never asked you to save it for me," Sasuke hissed back venomously.

"From appearances alone, I'd have to say you're a very lost young adult," Kakashi replied airily. If Sasuke was a nicer person, he would have commented on how he liked that the old man had referred to him as a _young adult_ rather than a kid or a boy.

Sasuke watched the older man closed the pornographic book he was reading and forcefully pushed open the door to his car. Sasuke wanted to ask why the hell the old man was venturing out into the storm in the dark, but pride held him back from doing so. Hatake Kakashi returned minutes later with a freezing, blond haired, blue-eyed boy.

_Uzumaki Naruto, can I ever fully escape you? _

"S…S…S…Sasuke-teme…! I've...I've found you! You bastard!"

The blond sprang on Sasuke at once, settling himself on top of the dark haired boy. Naruto wrapped his arms around Sasuke and buried his face in the crook of Sasuke's neck. Naruto purred contently, "Mmmm, you're so warm bastard, just what I needed…"

Sasuke felt like vomiting his heart out.

"Get off of me dobe! You're cold and _fat_," Sasuke growled, attempting to push the blond away from his body before he exploded.

"I'm not fat! Asshole, you're the one that weighs more than me, remember?"

_When I stay around you long enough, Uchiha Sasuke, my mind gets numb and turns into baby-food, into mush. You're like a drug that makes me light headed and nervous and hyper and thick-tongued and dumb. You piss me off sometimes, make me hate you most of the time and yet…I mean, can this be healthy? _

_And then Sai said to me, "I think I love you Naruto."_

_What do I do now? Can someone tell me?_

"Hn," Sasuke replied. Naruto took a deep whiff of Sasuke's scent before lifting his head up and looking guardedly at the old guy with the face mask sitting in the driver's seat of the car.

"Hey bastard, is the old guy a pedophile? Did he rape you?!"

"I'm offended by being called a pedophile," Kakashi interjected, "Young people these days…"

"Tch! Usuratonkachi, as if I would let that happen. You really _are_ stupid, aren't you?"

"Go to hell Sasuke! I almost killed myself trying to find your pathetic ass in the blizzard on Christmas Eve when I COULD be home with my step-father! Iruka's going to be worried sick about me!"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes, "Then why did you come to my house in the first place? I never wanted you there. You or _your_ friends."

Naruto dug the tips of his fingers into Sasuke sweater and pulled their faces close together.

"Because I…we all care about you, and you're just too fucking stubborn to see. You're not the only one in this entire world with a shitty life Sasuke. _You're_ the real idiot, u-sura-ton-ka-_chi_."

Cerulean eyes stared heatedly into shining onyx ones. Kakashi clapped his hands together in amusement, "You boys are wonderful! Maybe when you're a bit older, you should come and work for me at my café! I pay good money!"

Little did the boys know that later in the future, they would get paid barely anythingOr at least Naruto would, with all of the deductions made on his check and whatnot.

Sasuke turned his head away from Naruto's face. Naruto snarled and loosened his grip on Sasuke's sweater. He moved to the backseat of the car and curled up on the left side.

_Uzumaki Naruto, this can't be healthy. You'll be the death of me. You're stealing away my Dark Youth and replacing it with something much sweeter. I hate sweets. _

Kakashi began to hum the tune to the song _Silent Night_.

**XXX**

"We are not seriously doing this, are we guys?"

"It's the only way!" Ino stated boldly as her pants dropped to the ground, "Body heat. The blankets aren't enough!"

Kiba shouted in joy, "Yeah! It's like _Girls Gone Wild_ except there are more guys than girls!"

"Does anyone care about Naruto, Sasuke, and the _still_ unconscious Sai?" Tenten asked.

"Fate tells me that they'll all be alright by tomorrow morning," Neji said from his crazy angsting corner. He rocked back and forth, singing _Jingle Bells_ to himself.

"For once, I'm going to agree with crazy Neji," Shikamaru announced as he worked on removing his clothes as well.

"Yosh! I feel free in my boxers! I feel as if I could conqueror the WORLD. YOUTHFULLY!"

"Lee, _shut the hell UP_."

"…_Gomen_…heh…"

Holy music began to play in the background as Hinata fumbled with her blouse. The true extent of her bust was revealed to the world. Sakura, Ino, and Tenten all were envious.

_Why can't our boobs be like those melons?!_

**XXX**

Naruto shifted. He felt insanely warm and cuddled up to wherever his source of wonderful heat was oozing from. His source of heat smelled good as well, of sandalwood and soap.

"Stop slobbering all over me dobe."

Naruto's eyelashes flickered. He opened his eyes to find his head resting on Sasuke's shoulder and his body underneath a blanket. At first the blond was extremely baffled, but then memories of the day before returned to him and he gasped.

"**TODAY IS CHRISTMAS!" **

Kakashi turned his head around in the front seat. He was already awake and reading, "Why yes, it is. And the good news is that the snow storm has stopped. Help should be arriving very soon."

Naruto bounced in place, "Oh good! I can't wait to get home to Iruka and see the others! Oh, oh! Sasuke-teme! I bought you a present, did you know that? And no, it isn't a razor blade, even though I was thinking of getting you a really nice one…"

"_Shut up Naruto_," Sasuke grouched before burying himself underneath the blanket again. Uchiha Sasuke was not a morning person.

"…Hey Sasuke, do you know that Sai told me that he loved me last night? Before I left to go and find you? It was Sai, of all people…"

"Hn. So now he's your _boyfriend_, right?"

Sasuke sounded angrier than he had intended. Naruto shook his head, "No Sasuke. I didn't accept his feelings, but I didn't reject them either. There's someone else I'm waiting for."

A smidgen of black hair and dark eyes peeked out from underneath the blanket, "Hn. That's stupid. What if the other person never acts on their feelings? What if the other person doesn't like you?"

Naruto grinned back, shining like the damned tropical sun in the middle of a cold winter, "I'll wait forever for the answer or I guess I'll have an unrequited love, isn't that what it's called? Either one will be fine with me. Happy ChrismaHanukKwanzSolstice, you Dark Youth-loving crazy bastard."

Sasuke found himself whispering, "Merry ChrismaHanukKwanzSolstice, you ramen-obsessed, orange-wearing, loser-dumbass."

"And to all a good holiday!" Kakashi chimed in, "Look, help's arrive! Get the hell out of my car! No, seriously though, get the hell out now."

**XX Epilogue XX **

Itachi arrived back to his house on an expensive snow mobile being driven by Kisame since he did not have his glasses or his contacts on, as usual. He whipped Kisame the entire way there and had forced the shark-like man to wear reindeer antlers and a red blinking nose. Itachi had on the sexed-up version of a Santa Claus outfit, complete with the hat.

The elder Uchiha was surprised to find all of Sasuke's little friends sleeping naked together on his living room floor and immediately called their parents to come pick up their nasty little hoochie children.

Sasuke and Naruto were retuned back to the Uchiha manor where a very tearful (Lee) reunion occurred. Sasuke and Naruto had gotten café coupons from the nice, weird old guy named Hatake Kakashi. Sai woke up from his temporary coma and greeted Naruto by grabbing the blond's crotch. Sasuke punched Sai in the face and then the two dark haired boys got into a fight. The fight ended when Naruto's step-dad, Iruka, arrived and bitched out every single person, including Itachi for being an irresponsible guardian.

Everyone discovered that no one should mess with Daddy Iruka. EVER.

Naruto brought Sasuke and Sai back to his house to spend Christmas day with, since Sai's guardian was a creepy old man and Itachi wanted to get it on some more with Kisame. While Iruka slaved away in his kitchen, Naruto gave Sasuke and Sai their gifts.

"Here bastards…I hope you both like them and stuff."

Sasuke opened his present and blinked. He was surprised to find that Naruto had bought him a necklace with the _yin_ symbol on it. Naruto pulled a necklace out of his shirt to reveal that he had the _yang_ half of it.

"The old man at the store told me what it meant and I figured that it totally fitted us! When you put the pieces together, they fit! You're the dark one that cuts himself at night, and I'm the light happy one surrounded by people!"

"Idiot," Sasuke replied, putting on the necklace.

Sai opened his present and saw that Naruto had bought him the art set he had been eyeing for quite awhile. He had mentioned wanting it to Naruto several months before Christmas. The blond had remembered.

"You're the artsy one and the weird art lady at the store talked me into getting this set…guaranteed that it was something every artist wanted. So I got it for you."

"Thank you Naruto-kun," Sai said, "I want you to be the first thing I paint with these brushes…"

Naruto rubbed his neck, blushing, "Uhm…really…?"

"Yes_. Really_."

_I want to protect the bonds I've created with you Naruto-kun. I must try and win you away from that Uchiha. I know it will be difficult because the two of you share something very deep that I haven't identified yet, but perhaps, our bond can surpass ambiguous things and then I'll be able to properly have you. _

"Naruto! Can I get a little help in here?" Iruka called from the kitchen. The blond excused himself from his two friends as he ran off to assist his father. Sasuke smirked as he glanced at Sai, "Wouldn't it be funny…if I was your superior one day?"

Sai smiled back, "Oh yes. You'd be the superior to a bunch of dysfunctional people, of course. But wouldn't it even be funnier if we were ninja and you ran away to a snake pedophile and I was your sexier fanservice replacement?"

"Hilarious," Sasuke deadpanned, "but I'll have you know, I refuse to lose to someone like you : a person with bad fashion sense and ugly, _flat_ hair."

"And I, Sasuke-kun, refuse to lose to non-deserving fool with hair that resembles the back of a duck's ass and clothing tastes that will make even the scariest of gothic people quake in their chained boots."

"I look forward to defeating you," Sasuke replied coolly.

"Merry Christmas to you too, Duck Ass."

**XX End Special Holiday Cup XX**

**Z/N: Totally got the whole 'dark youth' idea from Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge aka Perfect Girl Evolution aka The Wallflower. **

**Next real chapter of café should be coming up soon! Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year to all! **

**XXX**


	4. Cup 3: Mission Nearly Impossible!

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**A/N:** This was inspired by a picture on DeviantArt, entitled Konoha Café by hyatt-ayanami, which the uniforms described in this fic are based on. This has also been slightly inspired by the anime Ouran High School Host Club. There is a link placed up in Miss Zana's profile to check out the art.

**Disclaimer**: **This** **is pure crack and not meant to be taken seriously AT **_**ALL**_. We love everyone from Naruto, no matter how much their character may be raped in this crack. Forever Yours Zana and Miss shy7cat don't own anything. 'Nuff said.

**Warnings**: Some spoilers for those who aren't up to date, Naruto anime/manga wise. Shonen-ai, het, yuri hints and more. Yays.

_Miss Zana and Miss Cat are proud to present,__** Café C'est la Vie**__. Because when life gives you drama, you laugh at the actors, of course! A joined work in progress. _

**Shameless Zana Pimpage:** Go to my profile and check out my awesome poll, ne?

_Miss Cat rocks my orange-striped socks, dig?_

**Cafe C'est la Vie**

**Cup 3: Mission Nearly Impossible: Rescue The ADHD Dobe! Sasuke vs. Itachi, Who's The Sexier Uchiha!**

"I think Uzumaki's starting to wake up, un."

"Oh really, Deidara-senpai? Can Tobi be a good boy and hug him? Uzumaki-san looks really soft and cuddly."

"…No Tobi, you _can't_ hug him, he doesn't need to catch your retarded-ness, un." 

Naruto groaned softly, eyelashes fluttering as he finally gained consciousness. He smacked his lips together and rolled his tongue inside of his mouth. _Mmm, I taste like miso ramen…hey…wait a minute! I was on my way to the café…and I stopped to eat some ramen from that random stand…and then I…I…!_

Blue eyes sprang open. Naruto was greeted with three men. Naruto knew of these men pretty well, since they were all acquaintances of Sasuke's Evil Sexy Older Brother ™. The blond looked around in panic, he could not move due to the fact that he was handcuffed to the wall and his legs were cuffed together as well. His body felt numbed. Due to the amount of random boxes and sexy toys, Naruto also guessed that he was some secret back room of the Akatsuki Café. 

"...Deidara, Tobi, and Sasori, why did you guys feel the need to drug me up with ramen, kidnap me, and steal me away from Sasuke-teme and company knowing full when Sasuke-teme finds out I've been kidnapped, he will murder your asses in cold blood? Is it because I'm the special factor that makes Café C'est la Vie thrive? Because if that is the case, you guys must be crazy if you think I would leave C'est la Vie for Akatsuki," Naruto stated with a high air of maturity evident in his tone. 

Deidara twitched. Sasori looked up from playing with his pretend parent puppets and stared at Naruto, "I thought you were supposed to be a complete idiot…?" 

The kidnapped blond smirked, "It's really just an act I put on so I can get my way. I really am quite intelligent, Sasori-san, and soon enough, my plan to become Hokage of the Universe will finally go into action. And everyone will have no choice but to be my bitches, BELIEVE IT." For a moment, blue eyes shone a blood red. Tobi whimpered and said, "Tobi is a good boy, please don't kill Tobi, Naruto-sama…!"

"Shit, this kid's fucking **EVIL**, UN! We've got to tell Leader he has competition…!" 

**XXX**

The three people who had self-appointed themselves to go and rescues Naruto from Itachi's evil clutches were none other than Uchiha Sasuke, Sai, and Gaara. Neji wanted to come as well, but Sakura and Ino had held him hostage and threatened to cut off his long, girly hair and allow Kiba to elope with Hinata. The male Hyuuga had no other choice after that, but to stay. 

As Sasuke drove like a madman down the Konoha streets, Sai began to sing a song. 

"_Sasu-chan has Angry Eyes, and they are red, and they are red, Gaara-chan has scary eyes, scary eyes, scary eyes and we've got to save Dickless-chan before he dies, possibly dies, and after we save Dickless-chan, he will melt in my arms…!"_

Gaara showed no physical reaction to the song, but inwardly plotted to kill Sai first. Then he would kill the Uchiha. Sasuke's red swirly eyes glared over in Sai's direction. 

"…Sing one more song and I will run you over with my bitchin' car and you will lose your own cock in the process." 

Sai gasped in fear, for that was a fate _worse _than death!So the penis-lover stayed obediently silent for the rest of the car ride. He still had that same eerie smile on his handsome face. Gaara wondered why people did not run away from _Sai _screaming.

Then Gaara remembered that Sai's sexy stomach distracted the customers from his eerie smile. The red head frowned slightly; he had a sexy stomach too. He just wasn't a whore about it. 

**XXX**

Itachi had just finished making a female customer have an orgasm with merely the sound of seductive voice when he narrowed his eyes and stared at the entrance to the café. Kisame served some customers their cups of tea as he looked over to his partner, "Is there something wrong Itachi?" 

The older Uchiha smirked, "…My foolish little brother wants to come and rescue Naruto-kun. Kisame, quickly go to the backroom and bring the ADHD-prone blond over here. It is time to psychologically damage my otouto once again; because that is how much I love him. He needs to hate more if he wants to succeed in life." 

The only female member of Akatsuki stopped what she was doing and stared at Itachi incredulously, "That makes no sense Uchiha-san. Are you fucked up in the head?" Kisame wondered the same thing, but did not make a comment on it as he did what he was told like the good little (sometimes) uke he was. 

Minutes later, the glass door to Café Akatsuki (and the entire wall to which the door was connected) was utterly destroyed as Sasuke drove into the cafe in a badass manner. Miraculously, he managed to take out half a wall without getting anyone harmed in the process. He got out of his car wielding a katana in each hand. For the occasion, Sasuke decided to wear a pair of huge-ass ,black combat boots, known throughout the town as his **Bitch Boots ™**. His boots were so bitchin' that even Naruto wouldn't "believe it." 

"**ITACHI!** I'm here to bring back the dobe, and kill you in the process you good for nothing…_Na…ru…to_?" The younger Uchiha's voice faded as he saw the blond standing by Itachi's side. Itachi had his hand resting on the blond's lower back, threatening to grope the curve of his ass covered by the pretty frill and lace on Tenten's cafe uniform. The elder Uchiha smirked as he pulled Naruto closer to him, "You do not hate me enough foolish little brother, and therefore you will not get your precious Naruto-kun. You must defeat me in battle, you must—" 

Gaara was getting annoyed and so was Sai. As Itachi made his dramatic speech the two walked over and dragged Naruto away from Itachi. Naruto beamed brightly, "Tanuki-chan! I'm so happy to see you! Can you help me get out of these cuffs; they're chaffing my skin!" The blond completely ignored Sai. The stoic red head nodded as he looked at Sai, "Watch him while I go and find the keys." Sai nodded and licked his lips as he was left temporarily left alone with a handcuffed Naruto. Naruto's left eye twitched and he gulped, "…Sai don't get any funny ideas or I will KILL…OI! _**SAI!**_" 

Sasuke and Itachi were too busy having a mini-ninja fight out in the middle of the café. Customers moved out of the way as tables were sliced, punches were thrown, and bodies were being tossed all over the place. The customers swooned in absolute bliss. Things just could not get any damn _hotter_! The unadulterated yaoi hints were just simply _overwhelming_! 

"…_I always knew Sai was good for Naru-chan."_

"…_I always knew Sasuke wanted to screw his brother. The Uchihas are a weird ass family. Almost as weird as those Hyuugas and their blind-looking eyes." _

"…_Ew, isn't that like, incest?" _

"_It's hot incest. It's Uchihacest. OH. MY. GOD! What if all the hawt guys had like, an ORGY!"_

"…_Major nosebleed coming on. At this rate, I may need a blood transfusion…guhhhhh." _

"_Oh my God, is she…dead?" _

"_Someone please, call 911!" _

**XXX**

Hyuuga Neji had shiny blue hairclips, lip gloss, and a French maid outfit on. 

Hyuuga Neji was one unhappy camper, for any trace of manhood he had left was gone, save for his dick. At least he still had that much. Fate laughed at him mockingly. 

Haruno Sakura and Yamanaka Ino were proud of their work. Neji made for the most beautiful cross dresser in history, since he already looked girly enough! Kakashi-sensei would be surely pleased and give both girls a raise in their low-waged shitty paychecks! _Surely!_

Currently, Jiraiya was grinning lecherously as his large hand kept on trying to sneak up Neji's bared thigh. 

"…Thank goodness that annoying Naruto brat isn't here to spoil my game today and knock me out any windows! So, pretty lady, what's your name? Are you new around here? I must say, you're the loveliest creature I have ever laid my eyes on…how about you and me get to know each other a little better, hmm?"

Neji gritted out in achingly cold tone, "I'm Hinata's cousin. The guy that threatened to kill you for hitting on her. Can't you tell from my eyes?" 

"…You're…a guy? How disgusting, get away from me you little cross-dressing sicko, I want a girl waitress, _now_. Preferably that hot cousin of yours. Where is that little virgin blossom, by the way…?"

That was the last straw. Neji dropped his empty silver tray and held up both of his hands in an offensive position. His pale eyes narrowed dangerously.

"_Secret Technique, Anti-Pervert Style: The Deadly Gentle Fist of 64 Caged Birds!" _

Neji used his fingers to _gently_ (severely) stab Jiraiya on points in his body where blood flow was most crucial. By the time Neji had reached sixty-fourth, the older man fell out of his chair unconscious. Drool leaked from the corner of his mouth. Neji smirked in triumph. The fan girls sitting in the café cooed and went over to admire their pretty, gentle-fist using, cross-dressing eye-candy up close.

Shikamaru sighed and leaned against the cash register, "Today has been more troublesome than usual. Why do I have to be the one to work with a bunch of unbalanced, crazy people? Oh yeah, _Kakashi's_ the owner of this place…it wouldn't be right if someone like him had a bunch of _normal _employees. Ugh." 

**OOO**

Meanwhile, Aburame Shino was talking to the only things that understood him at this dysfunctional place also known as his job; they were the bugs, the roaches and spiders and black ants that snuck into the kitchen through cracks within the wall. Lee and Chouji promised to keep his special friends a secret from Kakashi and everyone else, because if they were to find out, they would murder his little insect friends. And without his friends, Shino would be very lonely.

The door to the kitchen swung open as Kiba marched inside, holding an unconscious (what else was new?) Hinata in his arms. His trusty sidekick Akamaru barked once just to be cute. Lee flounced over to Kiba in his frilly green skirt and smiled.

"My ever-so-youthful coworker, Kiba-san! What brings you to our humble kitchen with the lovely Hinata-san? And why are you not cross-dressing for our café's new youthful theme!" 

The dog-lover coughed slightly and looked away from Lee's..._Lee-ness_. The ping of his shiny white teeth in combination with his blatant gender bending was just a bit too much to take in all at once. "Hinata's fainted again, and now I want to use this golden opportunity to keep her as far away from Neji for the longest amount of time." 

"And what would that accomplish Inuzuka?" Chouji asked. 

Kiba picked up a nearby knife and pressed the blade to the chubby man's neck, "I would tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. I command you Unworthys to watch over Hinata until she wakes up. And when she does wake up, you are to tell her that Neji knocked her unconscious and called her fat. Say other things too that will make her hate Neji. And make her fall in love with me. Got it?" 

Chouji gulped, "…Rig—right! Can you put the knife down now…please?" 

Kiba pulled the weapon away and dropped it to the ground, "Lovely! Thanks Akamichi, Lee, and Dude-With-The-Cool-Shades!" The dog-loving waiter skipped out of the kitchen with his little white pup following. Shino gasped and placed his hands directly over his heart, "He…he…likes my sunglasses…Kiba…" 

Shino then fainted. He fell right on top of the unconscious Hinata. Chouji cursed and Lee screamed. 

"**MY YOUTHFUL EYES SPOT ROACHES IN THE ICING…!" **

**XXX**

Sasuke spat out blood and took a deep breath. His twin blades had yet to taste Itachi's blood. The elder Uchiha stood across from his younger brother, completely untouched (as usual). 

Sai, Gaara, and Naruto (now freed from his handcuffs and possible rape, thanks to Gaara), stood on the sidelines, watching the epic battle between the two brothers take place. Naruto beamed as he hopped on top of a broken table and began to shake his cross-dressing booty. 

"_Yeah! Go, go, go Sasuke, it's your birthday, go Sasuke, it's your birthday! Beat Itachi, 'cause he's a bastard, beat Itachi, 'cause he's a bastard! Gooooo Sasuke-teme!" _

Itachi kicked Sasuke, causing the younger Uchiha to fly across the café and into a pile of rubble. Naruto winced. 

"_I mean…go, go, go Itachi, it's your birthday…!" _

Sai snickered.

Itachi smirked as he slowly made his way over to the heap that Sasuke laid in, "Foolish little brother. You have no fucking idea who you are dealing with. You can NEVER defeat me in ANYTHING unless you develop the kind of hatred necessary to even get a scratch on me." 

Sasuke stood up. His emo bangs covered his eyes. 

"….Never say never, aniki. You told me this a long time ago, a time when you used to love me and take me to Disney World. I know of one thing that you cannot defeat me in." 

The crowd of spectators gasped. Three more girls fainted. 

Itachi raised an eyebrow, "Oh? Please enlighten me, Sasuke-kun." 

"…You cannot defeat me in…a _Fanservice Competition_. We'll let our viewers decide who wins." 

The younger Uchiha smirked as he dropped his swords and carefully removed his bitchin' Sharingan contacts. Sasuke then unzipped his pants and began to unbutton his work vest. Kisame grinned as he pulled out his totally gangster boom box, placed it on his shoulder, and turned up the volume. It was that annoying Justine Timberlake song that had to do with sex and S&M. 

_I'm bringin' sexy back (yeah)  
Them other boys they don't know how to act  
I think it's special... what's behind your back  
So turn around and I'll pick up the slack  
Dirty babe,  
You see these shackles baby I'm your slave…  
I'll let you whip me if I misbehave,  
It's just that no one makes me feel this way…_

"…You've just challenged the Master of the Sexy," Itachi shot back as he tossed his Akatsuki cape the side to reveal his slutty outfit consisting of a fishnet top and low-riding, tight pants. 

The fans were torn. Both Uchiha brothers were both drop-dead gorgeous! How could they choose only _one _winner!

"…Whoever shows us his dick first wins," one of the fangirls stated. The rest of the crowd agreed. Sai crossed his arms and snorted, "None of their dicks can even _begin_ to compare to mine…" 

Gaara made a small, irritated sound. He'd rather see Naruto strip. 

Naruto whistled from his special spot, "What I wouldn't do to have that succulent man-meat in _my _ramen bowl, _dattebayo_!" 

Sai whacked the back of the blond's head, "Stop being a whore! Being a whore is _my_ job!"

"Hn, that's nothing impressive," Sasuke commented as he bared the entire upper half of his body completely, revealing his smooth, milky-white, unblemished, toned chest to all. 

Some more fans fainted. A voice squealed, "Oh my freaking—Sasuke-kun _is _God!" 

And a new world religion began to develop. _Uchihaism. _

_Our dark-haired angst Gods, who art in heaven, _

_Holy be their name. _

_Thy Sharingan is bitchin', thy body screams sex _

_All over Earth as well as in Heaven…_

_Please allow Kishimoto to give us fanservice _

_As we give him money from buying his manga, _

_Allow Sasuke and Itachi to lead us into temptation _

_And allow us to tempt Sasuke and Itachi into sexy evil, _

_And bash all those who dare insult the Uchiha…_

_Amen. _

The music pumping in the background suddenly came to a screeching halt when Itachi began to laugh maniacally, eyes popping out and mouth wide open. Itachi jumped on top of Sasuke and began screaming, "Give me your fucking EYES!" 

That's when everyone in the café knew that the competition was officially over. 

"…I think Sasuke wins by default," Naruto murmured. 

**XXX  
**

Exactly thirty minutes later, Naruto, Sasuke, Gaara, Sai, and Sasuke found themselves sitting in Kakashi's office. Sasuke wore an eye patch on his right eye. Itachi had poked it while trying to take the said eye from his head. Their boss was not pleased.

"It's nice to see that you've successfully rescued Naruto from the clutches of Sasuke's Evil But Sexy Older Brother and his Bitches. However…" 

Kakashi stopped his pacing around his four employees. He pulled out a sheet of paper and placed it down on the table in front of his employees. Naruto's jaw went slack.

"Goddamn that's a lot of money! Where did it come from!" 

"This money," Kakashi drawled, "is the money added up from the damages you guys made at Café Akatsuki. I hope the four of you know what this means." 

Sasuke stood up from his seat. "You can't do this to _me_! I'm your second-in-command! I'll quit if you take anything out of my damn paycheck you old miserable fool! That's right, I called you OLD." 

Kakashi smiled. "At least I'm not a fat gay pirate." 

"Oh, burn," Sai said pleasantly. Naruto glared at Kakashi and said, "You're such a douche bag. That was so uncalled for, man." 

Sasuke's inferiority complex increased by twenty percent. 

Kakashi shrugged. "Oh…and by the way. A new person will be joining our crew tomorrow. Sasuke should bring caramel-covered apples" 

"_Wait…? WHAT!" _

**XX End Drink XX**

**Coming Up Next Drink: **A new coworker, Sasuke's stalker, and Naruto's…plotting? Until next chapter, make sure to read and review! 

_Ja ne!_

\/p> 


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